Jack of All Trades
by The Lonesome Rose
Summary: Jack Sparrow meet Jack Harkness. Which one gets Elizabeth Swann?


Elizabeth Swann frowned distastefully not at the atmosphere of the tavern they were in but at the man whose arm she was clinging to. "Why did I allow you to talk me into this again?"

"You're playin' the field, love," said Jack smoothly as he led her to a seat at the bar. "An' I respect you for that. You finally had the guts to admit it's not all hearts and flowers between you and Will."

"Will is far decent, more respectable-"

"If you wanted stature, you should've gone for the Commodore." Jack tweaked the ends of his mustache. "I think you're madly in love with me but too shy to speak your mind."

Elizabeth shot him a glare. "If and when I speak my mind, you'll know it. You, Jack Sparrow-"

"Captain"

"CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow" she corrected in annoyance "you are most likely the last man on earth I would ever marry. Filthy pirate" she muttered the last.

Jack chuckled. "Keep tellin' yourself that, love, and soon it won't matter anymore. Oh waiter! Two house…you!" He stared in surprise when his first mate Gibbs popped up from behind the bar. "What are you doing here?"

"Day job" replied Gibbs. "Piracy doesn't pay off like I thought it would."

"Your own fault for-"

"When you're both done-" Elizabeth frowned at them both.

"Whatever. Two house rums, Gibbs. Make one a double."

"Rum? All this way and you buy me rum? You promised there wouldn't be any!"

"Must've missed that part of the conversation."

"And how do you expect on paying for that, Capt'n?" Gibbs leaned on the bar, waiting. "You're required to pay up front. Tavern policy."

"Of course. Just see-" Jack dug his hands through his pockets. "Oh bugger" he muttered when he came up empty.

"What kind of date are you?" Elizabeth was ready to leave there and then when the patron beside her turned to flash a dazzling grin.

"I can't help noticing your predicament. Turns out I'm a little down on my luck too, but I've got a few credits left to spare for a fine lady." Casually, to the disgust of Jack, he turned to Gibbs. "Two raspberry vodkas and-" he glanced at Jack who was pointing animatedly to himself. "A glass of warm water for Blackbeard"

"That's really funny, mate" said Jack in that tone meaning quite the opposite.

"Oh alright. Put a piece of ice in his water. Now" he turned back to Elizabeth "what's a sweet lady doing with a low-down pirate?"

"Suffering" she said, rolling her eyes at Jack.

"Well allow me to ease your pain. Captain Jack Harkness at your service, ma'am."

It was Sparrow's turn to roll his eyes. "Oh sure. Impress my girl because you've got money to spend."

"I'm not your girl!" Elizabeth turned her back to him. "I don't believe we've made proper acquaintance yet, Mr. Harkness. You may call me Elizabeth."

"Call me Jack"

Elizabeth looked on in pleasant surprise as Jack took her hand to kiss it. "Finally a proper gentleman"

Jack grinned. "I aim to please"

"Oh for the love of…I'm so telling Will about this!" Sparrow picked up his glass when it came and regarded it with a grimace. "What kind of drink is water for a proper pirate?"

"Proper pirate?" echoed Elizabeth. "Is there one here?"

Sparrow regarded her with hurt dismay. "Why Elizabeth! If rum turns men into complete scoundrels, as you so eloquently put it before, what does a handsome face do to a woman? Consider that"

"Hey, lay off her, cod-breath!" Jack drew a revolver.

Sparrow stared back evenly, drawing his own pistol. "I have no second thoughts about gunnin' you down here and now, mate."

"Nor I"

Elizabeth went back to her drink, smug with the prospect of the two Jacks fighting over her.

Jack and Sparrow stared each other down. Both were reluctant to make the first move or concede.

"Well?"

Sparrow's attention went from Jack to watching Elizabeth play with her drink. "The black spot!" he cried in terror, pointing shakily to the dirt smudge on her palm.

She rolled her eyes in exasperation when Sparrow tumbled off his stool and cowered on the floor.

"If Davy Jones comes, I wasn't here! You never saw me!"

"Coward. It's not even real! Look" she lowered her hand to give him a good look at it. "It's just-"

"Don't do that!" Sparrow tore his hat off to cover his eyes with it. "I'll start seein' it and he'll be comin' for me!"

"Black spot, huh?" Jack half turned as he searched his pockets for a pen which he used to draw a black spot on his own palm as Elizabeth looked on. He winked assuredly at her. "Fancy that. I've got it too."

"Looks like you and I will be cursed together in Davy Jones' locker, Jack," said Elizabeth flirtatiously, leaning closer to him as she spoke.

"Sounds like something I could live with," he replied with roguish charm. "Or, we could run away. I've got this ship that sails through the stars rather than the water. Jones would never catch us then."

"I think I'd like that."

"Of course you would" Jack edged just a bit closer, preparing to close the distance between them.

"Oh no!" Sparrow sprang up, socking Jack in the jaw. "There'll be no knowing here."

"But Ja-ack" Elizabeth teasingly waved her black-spotted palm in the pirate's face. "How could I refuse a man who'd willingly live through Davy Jones' locker with me?"

"No no!" he shielded his eyes with one hand. "You won't make me get it too!"

Jack sprang up from the floor where'd he'd been knocked to tear Sparrow's hand from his face. "Why you bilge-rat spawn! Scared of a bit of dirt!"

"It's not dirt- it's the black spot!"

"Chicken-livered coward" Jack swept Sparrow's prized hat away from its owner to empty a few bullets into it then proceeded to maliciously ground the remains beneath a boot heel.

"You've got too far now, mate" growled Sparrow dangerously. "Too far. There was no reason to bring my hat into this!"

Jack finished destroying the hat and faced Sparrow coolly. "It couldn't stand to be on the head of such an unmanly pirate so I put it out of its misery."

"A deadly mistake"

"You think so?"

"I know so"

"Yeah? Willing to bet your life on that?"

Jack cocked the trigger on his pistol. "It's you who has your life on the line now. No one destroys The Hat and gets away with it."

"I won't have any more part in your childish behavior, Jack Sparrow." Elizabeth moved from between them. "There's no need to go around shooting your toy gun when your hat gets a dent in it."

"Dented? It's beyond repair!"

"About time you got a new one then" she tugged on Jack's arm. "Show me your ship that sails through the stars"

Jack downed his drink and looked up to see Elizabeth already headed to the door. "Looks like you lost your girl" he muttered gleefully to the pirate. He set a handful of coins on the bar beside Sparrow. "Really. The hat was asking for it. Get yourself a better one."

Jack Sparrow watched him leave together, feeling a pang of sorrow when he saw them holding hands. Mournfully he gathered up the unrecognizable remains of his hat and looked from them to the money for a long time. With a sigh, he called Gibbs over and shoved the all money towards him. "Rum. Lots of rum"


End file.
